Tag Archives: women

From the guest’s point of view

I have been to more weddings in the last calendar year than in the previous five years combined.  They have either been young folks; children of friends, getting on the carousel for the first time, or dear friends getting back up on the horse for another try.

I, of course, was one of them and being that I’m an old, experience, been-around-the-block-already bride, not some nuptial n00b who’s “Been dreaming about this day since I was little.”, and when I hear that, all I have to say is “Wow”.  I had no idea that you two had known each other that long.  Oh.  You haven’t?  I get it, we already know it’s all about you, not the two of you or your impending commitment.  What is wrong with these young women?

Oh, I know, nowadays it’s about the excessive pageantry and how much money you can either guilt your parents to blow out of their 401k or how much debt you intend to rack up because that’s the perfect platform on which to launch a lifetime of love and happiness.  No thanks.  The older I get the more I’d rather see digits on the bank statement then stuff I have to take care of.  So now I get to make some comments with my cranky pants on because this is my blog and I’ll do as I darn well please.  Yes Ma’am.

Tip #1:  If you must speak of it, speak well.

It’s your wedding.  Do what you want.  Don’t do what you don’t want to do.  Especially don’t whine or complain on Twitter or Facebook.  In the event that your guests are also your social media pals, it’s really nerve wracking for us, who then anticipate the horror that you are making this event out to be.  If your wedding planning is turning into a nightmare, then cancel it and go to City Hall.  You won’t get quite the haul of loot, but I for one would then send a gift anyway in gratitude just to not have to see your willyjabbering updates.

Tip #2:  Have a reasonable number of attendants.

Here in the great state of the mighty MO, each Marriage License must be witnessed by two people.  That is an indication of how many attendants you really need.  Blame for over staffing the Altar goes both ways.  Either a sweet Bride that doesn’t want anyone upset and says yes to everyone who says “Oh!  I want to be in the wedding!”  Well, that’s nice.  You will be in the wedding.  As a guest.  How about that?

The flip side is the ridiculousness of this Bridemaids Fail.  Eighty maids of Honor?  Are you shitting me?  If you know 80 females that will be butt hurt if you don’t ask them to be part of the wedding party, then you need about 78 new friends.  Talk about peer pressure.  Which one of these girls and/or their parents could say ‘no’ and be the only one left out?  Is the Bride so vain that she needs the equivalent of the cast of a Broadway show to feel special?  I’m guessing yes.

The old rule of thumb still applies;  After the Best Man and the Maid of Honor, one additional attendant on each side per fifty guests.  Besides, if you really knew the origins for attendants at weddings, you wouldn’t have any.

Tip #3:  Behave during the ceremony.

You are on the altar of a church.  Act like it.  You and your beloved are standing up before God and all declaring your intention of maintaining a lifelong commitment to each other.  Pay attention to the Officiant FFS.  It’s aggravating to your guests when they are trying to pay attention and you are being disrespectful to the Preacher who spent his time preparing for your ceremony when you lean in, giggling and talking to each other instead of focusing on what you are doing!

As far as that goes, don’t get too cute departing either.  It will most likely not appear to your guests as cute as you thought it would in your head. Remember, you are still in a Church, people.  You trying to twerk or your newly minted husband donning sunglasses and throwing gang signs as you exit the altar just makes people think, “OMG, these two are way too immature to be getting married.”

Tip #4:  Skip the “Wedding favor”

Seriously, we don’t need a wedding favor.  I won’t plant the seed packet you give me, or use the single initialed and dated plastic flute you filled with colorful confetti and that monogrammed package of tissues that you found at Hobby Lobby and used your weekly 40% off coupon; it will go in the back of a drawer to be tossed sometime in the next ten years.  You send thank you notes afterwards for a reason.  We don’t need a prize for showing up to eat your food and drink your booze.  Give me a decent meal and some cake.  That’s all I ask.

Tip #5:  And speaking of the food.

That’s what I’ll remember.  I won’t remember your handwritten vows that you agonized over because even with the Pastor ‘miced up’, I can barely hear what you said anyway.  I won’t remember your bouquet or shoes, what the Maids wore (unless it was especially horrific), whether you had an aisle runner, what the DJ played or your centerpieces.

I will remember what you did or did not serve at the reception.  Doesn’t need to be fancy.  Actually, please keep it simple, fancy almost always turns out poorly.  I don’t care who you are, when you are cooking for 100+, at least one batch is not going to turn out right.  If the scallops on my plate are tough, the lobster rubbery or the beef is underdone, the caterer was in over their head and you’ve paid for bad food.  No refunds.  Boo!

One of the best receptions I attended this year was catered by a local grocery store and knowing the Bride’s father like I do, I know he didn’t go over $10 a head.  I will remember that pork loin for a long time, it was delicious.  Keep it simple and pick something that’s hard to mess up.

The last word on food is have a cake.  I’m not joking.  I go to a wedding and I expect a good white cake.  I don’t want a cupcake that I have to scrape most of the frosting off in order to eat it.  I’m all about getting a very nice two-tier cake for show; cut the bottom layer for the bride and groom and family, save the top to eat all freezer burnt next year.  I’m 100% okay with having a good sheet cake cut and served next to the fancy one.  Don’t serve a cookie buffet instead either.  That’s just tacky and everyone knows you did it to because you didn’t budget well and spent too much elsewhere.  Let us eat cake!

TIp #6: Greet your guests.

Yes, each and every one.  I don’t know how this bit of etiquette got lost, but it’s just rude if you don’t and no, the receiving line does NOT count.  I agree that this is a party and everyone, including the Bride and Groom should have a good time, but when I see you both getting a head start on getting hammered in a little clique with your friends instead of circulating among your guests between the toasts and the first dance, it really gets my panties in a knot.

Respect the fact that people who had better things to do have given up a substantial part of their day to celebrate with you.  Show them that you give a rats behind by saying hello and thanking them personally.  Go table to table early, as soon as you finish your meal and spending just a minute or two on the 8-10 people seated at each table and you will cover your butt.   Ten tables at two minutes each is twenty minutes, you can do this!  Your Great Aunt Mable, Cousin Alfred and his family will appreciate it.

Tip #7: Don’t disappear.

Grandpa’s second cousin may need to leave early because his oxygen tank is running out, so be visible and available until most of the older, and by older I mean anyone over 40 or with small children, have left.

I understand a bathroom break will take a few extra minutes for you, new Mrs., what with having to find someone to hold your dress and then wrestling your Spanx back up and making sure no part of your bustle or train hit the bowl or got tucked in anywhere inappropriate.  If your guests need to leave, they shouldn’t have to wait more than 10 minutes for you to reappear.  When you disappear and Junior is getting cranky because it’s past his bedtime and your guests can’t find you, we end up leaving anyway after thirty minutes of looking and then WE feel rude because we ghosted on you.  Not nice.

Finally, your wedding day is not a ‘me’ day, it’s an ‘us’ day.  ‘Us’ is you and your man.  ‘Us’ is you and your family.  ‘Us’ is you and your guests.  Only you can take the joy out of the day.  Don’t take yourself too seriously.  Remember, it’s a few hours out of one day of your entire life and things may or may not be perfect, but you’ll be the only one who knows whether it was or not.


On receiving, and ignoring, some not so welcome advice

I had my annual ‘well-woman’ check-up a couple of weeks ago and as I precariously approach the dreaded half century mark, Doc says I’m in good shape but decides I need an enormous amount of blood work done to check not just the regular cholesterol but to break it down into types and particles and absorption and free roaming crap to determine my risk factor to heart disease.  After all, we have all been informed that heart disease is right up there as a woman-killer alongside breast cancer.  So, I’m thinking this is a good thing.

Doc gives me a booklet, not a pamphlet or a leaflet, but an honest-to-gawd 8-1/2 x 11 multi-page booklet outlining the particulars of this detailed and apparently necessary (ohmahgerd!!, everyone should have it done!!!), battery of blood analysis tests along with the standard hormone and thyroid and kidney/liver function tests.  MMMMkay.  Sure.  Why not.  I don’t have even a reasonable expectation of living to 100, figuring that I’m past middle age as well as menopause.

Doc tells me that there is no co-pay for the test.  Even if I get an insurance statement saying it’s not covered and I have a $500 or $600 co-pay, not to worry, I won’t get a bill.  That evening, at the kitchen table, reading glasses perched on my nose, scrutinizing the information, I see that the test is sponsored by a big pharmaceutical company.  Said pharm company happens to produce a number of products to lower my cholesterol.  Not.A.Surprise.

I am healthy, exercise, not overweight, I’m not expecting any drastic news.  Late last week, I get a call from the nurse with the recommendation that I add a few supplements to my diet; Vitamins “D” and “B-12” because I have some deficiencies that are “of concern”.  Fine, that’s probably why I feel so sluggish in winter.  Mild S.A.D.  I can live with that.  Oh, but wait, there’s more!  I need an Omega-3, too.  Too many free-roaming plaque particles.  Really?  All right.  I’m not liking this, but I am thankful that Doc takes a holistic approach and only whips out the prescription pad as a last resort.  I’d rather do this than sign on to some wacky medication that might end up with class action lawsuits advertised on daytime television.  So far, so good.  After a week, my energy has increased by approximately 1/10th.  In January, in the mid-west, I’ll take it.

Today, I get a call from a second(!) nurse whose job it is to really analyze and interpret those test results.  She asks me about my exercise routine.  I walk about two miles every day.  I have two dogs that exist the other 23 hours and 30 minutes of the day for those two miles with me.  Whatever the weather, we three dress appropriately probably 350 out of 365 days of the year and venture out into whatever Mid-West weather happens to be occurring.  Nope.  Not enough.  Okay.  Well, I practice yoga once or twice a week, how about that?  Nope. Not enough.  I need sweaty, aerobic muscle strengthening stuff for an hour, three times a week.  Wait.  What?  Have you ever been to a yoga studio?  It’s not hippie ’60’s transcendental meditation yoga anymore.  I sweat my butt off.  Really?  I hardly have time to comb my hair twice a day and you want me to throw in a couple of Zumba or Jazzercise class?  Whatever nurse 2 got into in Doc’s sample room, I want some, because she’s just high right now.

Oh, and by the way, nurse 2 mentioned I should be eating low carb, high protein, low fat diet.  I should get a smart phone app so I can track my food input everyday.  Now she’s gone too far.  Them’s fightin’ words to this broad.  I may be climbing the hill, but I’m not over it yet.  The facts are that I am 2nd generation Irish on my Mother’s side, 3rd generation German on my Father’s side and come from a long line of pear shaped women.  I can not, nay, will not, give up my bread and booze.  ‘Tis my heritage and my right!  Nurse further illustrates that now fruit counts.    Go easy on the fruit.  When the hell did that happen?  I object!  Strenuously!

After hearing this, the conversation quickly deteriorated as I shifted into ‘I just want to get you off the phone’ mode.  Me saying “Okay.  Sure.  That sounds reasonable.”, because why would I argue with someone who is just doing her job, passing along information and is, by no means, the boss of me?  I couldn’t bear to tell her “Thanks, but no thanks.  I’d rather live a life of quality days than quantity years.”  My attitude is exactly the Maxine cartoon that circulates among the girlfriend set on occasion that exhorts us to live life to the fullest and leave this world with a glass of wine in one hand and a piece of chocolate in the other.  So for now, I’ll just keep doing what I please; cooking and baking, tasting, eating, enjoying, savoring and experimenting.  Open that bottle and pass the butter because  I ain’t skeert.

Enough for now.